Leadership

Construction: Building Community (Part Three: Towards Intimate Space)

By jgiroux ⋅ July 1, 2008 ⋅  Print This Post ⋅ Post a comment

This is Part 5 of the Construction series on Thursday Leadership Lesson- Building Community. Last semester, we talked about laying a solid Foundation. This semester, we are focusing on the skills and resources needed to build teams, ministries, and groups. It’s about making disciples. Today, we are going to talk about moving people in our groups from personal space to intimate space.

We’ve all experienced it. It’s the first night of our new small group. The house is clean. The new candles smell great. The snacks have been meticulously presented. And there are 10 nervous yet excited new faces sitting in your living room. You ask your well-prepared ice-breaker question, and everyone jumps in with humorous accounts of their most embarassing moment. Halfway around the circle, someone drops the bomb– their most embarassing moment story turns into a confessional of their secret sin. Awkward. Next week, only two people show up.

Or how about this situation. You are planning to go to a concert as a group, and you are in the process of working out details over email. Someone in the group believes that going to a concert is trivial and insignificant and throws a bit of holier-than-thou commentary into the email exchanges. Then, she never shows up to the group again.

And we’ve all had the person who expects that small prayer breakout to become her set of personal, unilaterally appointed accountability partners.

We know in our gut that something is not right with these scenarios. And yet we also know that Bible clearly directs us to confess our sins to one another (James 5:16) and we are charged to correct and rebuke one another (2 Timothy 4:2). So what’s the right balance?

The problem in each situation is that a member of the group is moving from social space to intimate space too quickly.

For the past 3 weeks, we have talked about how to navigate our groups through different relational spaces. Let’s review those four primary spaces:

• Public: connection through common external forces and experiences.
• Social: connection through common interests.
• Personal: connection through the sharing of private experiences, feelings, and thoughts.
• Intimate: connection through the sharing of naked experiences, feelings, and thoughts.

For more information on these spaces, read here.

Most groups begin in public space and transition naturally to social space by virtue of the regularity of meeting. Moving the group towards social space, which includes sharing a level of transparency and doing life together, always requires some intentional work. Personal space is the target for most of our small groups. Some people come into our groups looking for intimate space, but in general, that is not the point of most small groups in the model that NCC implements.

Intimate space is a deeper level of community that can only be shared with about 3-5 other people at any given time. With the exception of spouses, this space should always be gender-specific. This is the relational connection where accountability, deeper peer counseling, and confession take place. And it is not a space that should be shared in most group settings.

Intimate Space in the Bible
Is this Biblical? I believe it is. Jesus shared public space with the multitudes that followed him. He shared social space with the 70 that were sent out on mission trips. He shared personal space with the 12 disciples. But beyond that, Jesus had an even smaller community of 3– Peter, James, and John. He shared experiences with these guiys that were not shared with the others. For instance, they went up with him to the Mount of Transfiguration. They went further with him into the Garden of Gethsemane.

What does intimate space look like?
We need people that will confront us, challenge us, and give us a good swift kick in the butt. Dietrich Bonhoeffer said,

“Nothing can be more cruel than the leniency which abandons others to their sin. Nothing can be more compassionate than the severe reprimand which calls another Christian in one’s community back from the path of sin.”

As leaders, we need friends who recognize we are people in need of encouragement, correction, and rebuke and that will point us back towards God and his path.

Here are a few characteristics of intimate space:

• Gender specific-because of the confessional and accountable nature of intimate space, it should only be shared with members of the same sex. The only exception to this is the intimate space shared by spouses.

• Accountability- intimate space is where people trust one another and challenge each other to personal and spiritual growth.

• Confession- people sharing intimate space trust one another to share secret sins and to challenge one another to healing and victory. They are committed to praying through with each other.

• Deeper peer counseling- every leader is a counselor of sorts, and most counseling happens at the peer level. The deepest peer counseling occurs at the intimate space level.

Who has permission to ask you any question at any time? To whom do you confess your sins? Who is praying for you and confronting you when necessary?

How Do You Move People Towards Intimate Space?

Alright, so we know that intimate space should not happen within the group context. But we also know that people need intimate space relationships. How does that happen?

Intimate space is found at NCC as people develop small accountability and/or mentorship relationships. These relationships often develop naturally within small groups, but the intimate space is taken outside of the small group context.

Here are some ways that you can encourage the creation of intimate space within and through your small groups:

• Talk about it- everyone will come into your group with different expectations for the group. Some are just looking for a once-a-week commitment. Others are looking for accountability partners. Talk about the relational goals for the group. But also talk about intimate space and why it’s important.

• Model it- talk about your own personal intimate space– how you found it, who is in it, why they are in it, what happens in it.

• Simulate it- Create short-term intimate space opportunities within the context of the group. For instance, divide into smaller, static prayer groups of 3-4 people. This won’t be real intimate space because it’s only temporary, but it may help people understand the importance of sharing with just a few individuals. Prayer requests may become more transparent.

• Harness intimate “moments”- Look for opportunities to have intimate “moments” with individuals in your group. Jesus did this all the time. When there is major life change or a crisis, you can step into a group member’s intimate space briefly to help them grow in a specific area. A leader is skilled at recognizing those teachable moments to pop in and out of intimate space to help a member grow.

Questions to Consider:

Consider where you spend the majority of your time as a leader? Who are the people in your public, social, personal, and intimate spaces? Who do you let into those spaces? You need to relate in all spheres, and you need to ensure that you’ve got intimate space relationships.

About The Author: Heather Z. is the Pastor of Discipleship at National Community Church in Washington, DC.